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Shotokan101
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There's Light At The End of The Tunnel.......

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:14 pm

Colonoscopy humor:


A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Rules of Life....

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:20 pm

Great and mysterious rules of life


1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?" How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
14. Don't be an idiot.
15. Never trust women who can't put their lipstick on straight. They are invariably crazy.
16. Know your way home.
17. Don't talk to yourself.
18. Closets make good sleeping - if you like being sore the next day.
19. If you like the music, dance.
20. You'll feel better if you throw up.
21. No matter how certain you might be of any given situation, there is invariably another creature who will teach you the meaning of certainty.
22. Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.
23. Learn to say "Where is the nude beach?" in at least three languages.
24. Do not use your work laptop while eating Coco Wheats.
25. Children do not want clothes for birthday gifts.
26. Running into your wife's gynecologist at Target is awkward. Somewhat surprisingly, you won't have much to talk about.
27. He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.
28. If you talk to yourself (see 17), don't answer in a different voicel; it tends to spook those around you.
29. Don't hit your own head.
30. Even though it doesn't appear it to us, everyone considers themself an above average driver.
31. don£t trtry to type stufff whebn yu are reallly"yy drunk....
32 No matter how socially inept you think you are, you're still a lot more fun to be around than Carrot Top.
33. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
34. One day you can get screwed out of what is rightfully yours, the next day you may become world
reknowned and respected just for being yourself (See Ozzy Osbourne).
35. Carrot sticks and bleu cheese vegetable dip lead to multiple instances of explosive diarrhea.
36. He who hesitates is lost.
37. Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.
38. Everybody needs a good ass kicking now and again.
39. Early bird gets teh worm.
40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-saugage pie.
41. Avoid all so-called "vegetarian" options at fast-food burger joints, lest thou be hunched over
for a good portion of the night muttering incoherently about "food poisoning" as your intestines
try to leap up and strangle your stomach, causing the worst cramping possible this side of labor pains.
42. Fart jokes never stop being funny.
43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
44. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
45. Have your own sense of style.
46. As with all things, this too shall pass.
47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.
48. "Accept."
49. Pet a dog.
50. It's a small world after all.
51. Midgets are people too.
52. No great music was ever made on a Flying V guitar.
53. Everything that can possibly happen, will happen.
54. A tongue stud is no excuse not to learn to do it right.
55. Cry once in a while, it's cathartic. If you need to hide from others to do so, then do, but still cry.
56. Follow it up with a beer/phone call with a friend who laughs a lot.
57. Eat cheese, it is marvelous tasting and, purportedly, scrubs your teeth.
58. When you see a little kid in the store, make a fart noise with your mouth. They laugh every time.
59. Splurge on toilet paper.
60. Lay in the grass and watch the bugs crawl around.
60a. (Optional) Squash them.
61. Positive to positive, negative to negative, ground to ground.
62. Beggers CAN be choosers.
63. Monkeys cheat at monopoly.
64. Chances are, you won't refill your popcorn.
65. If someone tells you, "You're dreaming, pal!" kick them in the shin. It's okay, because after all, it's a dream.
66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!
67. Don't buy live lobsters from Walmart.
68. There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are more than two ways to serve it.
69. There are 68 things before 69, but of course none of them will be remembered.
70. You will not get rich quick with Amway.
71. First one up gets the paper. And makes the coffee.
72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.
73. Always check to see if there is anyone else in a public bathroom when you enter.
74. If someone else enters, cough to let them know you are there. If not, you may have to listen to something you didn't intend.
74a. The Sacred Buffer Corollary: When in a public bathroom, never take the urinal/stall directly
adjacent to another user/jockey. When you are the first settler, never take the middle facility.
Respect the Sacred Buffer.
75. Know someone who gives good foot massages.
76. Lyle Lovett is better heard than seen.
77. Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.
78. Never trust a person who has a lugubrious countenance.
79. Never trust a person who has a smirking countenance.
80. Never tie a yellow ribbon round the old guy at the bus stop.
81. Never make a web page that needs binoculars to be read. (is that better??!??
82. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, unless you have a peanut butter filled Kong.
83. A jar full of candy on the desk is a great way to start a new job.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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One for Biro - An Australian Tragedy.......

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:32 pm

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Some folk are NEVER Happy.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jun 13, 2007 3:35 pm

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Jim

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Post by studioeng » Wed Jun 13, 2007 4:34 pm

Did anyone see Britian's Got Talent over the last few days... One little kid came on stage, and he was funny...
My mum looked at herself in the mirror the other day and said;
"Oh son, I do look so fat and ugly, is there anything you can say to cheer me up?"
"Yes Mum, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
Spider spider on the wall,
Have you got no sence at all,
Do you not know that walls been plastered,
Now you're stuck you silly ... Spider!
I love it.
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NUtcracker Sweet.......

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Jun 14, 2007 4:21 pm

Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Post by studioeng » Thu Jun 14, 2007 4:36 pm

Just owww!!! Well there's a morale to that story :rofls:
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Jun 18, 2007 4:04 pm

Another not joke......

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/06/16/jet_powered_c5/

Check out the go-kart as well :shock: 8)
Jim

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Post by SyBorg » Tue Jun 19, 2007 3:56 pm

Received in Email today.....

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy drats, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, ow my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting mess from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really mess me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to drats myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
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The Workaholic

Post by biro » Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:10 pm

A workaholic finally decided to take a long overdue vacation. He booked a Caribbean cruise and was having the time of his life... until the boat sank! He found himself swept onto a desert island. Six lonely months later, he is lying on the beach when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

"Where did you come from?" he asks.

"I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my ship sank" she says.

"Amazing". "You were really lucky to have a row-boat wash up with you".

"Oh this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But that's impossible," stutters the man, "You had no tools. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem", replies the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools." The guy is stunned.

"Lets row over to my place." She says. She docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much but I call it home," she says. "Would you like another drink?"

"No thank you," he says still dazed. "Can't take any more of that coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have my own still. How about a Pina Colada while I slip into something more comfortable." She returns wearing nothing but vines and a strategically placed shell necklace.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here a long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months," her hands sliding over his legs.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck! "You mean." he gasps, "I can actually check my e-mail from here?"
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Shotokan101
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Doorway Confrontaation ;)

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:06 pm

A salesman knocks on the door of a house and gets no answer so he knocks again - louder this time and eventually the door opens .

As the door opens the salesman is confronted with the sight of a twelve year old boy dressed in frilly bra and pants outfit - complete with suspenders and high heels :shock:

The boy has a glass of whiskey in one hand and a great big cigar in the other and says loudly to the salesman - "What The not-nice Hell Do You Want" ? :shock:

Somewhat taken aback the salesman says - "Is your Mother or Father at Home" ?

And the boy replies - "What the Hell Do You Think" ? :lol:
Jim

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Bollards !

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jun 20, 2007 2:44 pm

:shock: 8) :lol:
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Re: Bollards !

Post by the_flames » Wed Jun 20, 2007 4:47 pm

I like that picture ... too busy working to think about there van, I think
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Essential Computing Info on Film.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:44 am

25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
Jim

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Welsh Revenge......

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:46 pm

Nice One ! 8) :lol:

Welsh Revenge

Tee Hee.... :twisted:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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