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Steve
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JUST HOLD ME

Post by Steve » Sun Nov 04, 2007 1:23 pm

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
Several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
Compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

www.bliss.org.uk
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Martyn
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Post by Martyn » Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:40 pm

Anybody tried this?














(and lived :) )
Mugwump's Origo Repair CD
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Shotokan101
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Fairground fun........

Post by Shotokan101 » Sun Nov 04, 2007 4:11 pm

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Surprise !

Post by Shotokan101 » Sun Nov 04, 2007 4:35 pm

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Steve
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Post by Steve » Mon Nov 05, 2007 12:50 am

Not so much funny, as clever. CLICKY
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

www.bliss.org.uk
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Nov 05, 2007 1:07 am

Steve wrote:Not so much funny, as clever. CLICKY
...obviously targeted at those who've never heard of "Google Image Search" :twisted:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Some Thoughts For Today......

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Nov 05, 2007 11:30 am

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho kinetics? Raise my hand.
15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your rear tomorrow.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Kieran
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Post by Kieran » Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:08 pm

Martyn wrote:Anybody tried this?
It would be pretty funny to try out it must be said :lol:
Kieran
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Alan
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Post by Alan » Tue Nov 06, 2007 3:26 pm

Kieran wrote:
Martyn wrote:Anybody tried this?
It would be pretty funny to try out it must be said :lol:
You are a braver man than me if you do try it Kieran :lol:
I Wanna Live 'till I Die!
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Shotokan101
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Essential IT Skills......

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:31 am

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Anyone For Scrabble ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:33 am

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT!

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Steve
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Post by Steve » Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:02 pm

You have to watch
the guy on the left,
NOT THE GIRL!!!
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He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

www.bliss.org.uk
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Shotokan101
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Justice at Last.......

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:33 am

What Guy ? :wink:

.......

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgowcop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgowcop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgowcop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgowcop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law , Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgowcop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the bad out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Literaly Mistaken.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:01 pm

Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Chess Anyone ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 5:13 pm

Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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