Jokes

[CropRotation]

It does not open Jim. Can you rectify the link please ?

[Shotokan101]

Works fine for me still - have you got flash installed ?

[Shotokan101]

A big city American lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick
Rule'." ! ;

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.


The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
lawyer.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.


Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[CropRotation]

Yeah I have but it still does not work for me

[Kieran]

Yeah I have but it still does not work for me

Install flash? The latest version?

[Shotokan101]

> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
>
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester.
>
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
> Contestant: France.
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris.
>
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or The Conservative Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
>
> BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
> DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
>
> GWR FM (Bristol)
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
> A: Forrest Gump.
>
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Leslie: He makes bread . . .
> Contestant: Er . . ..
> Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
> Contestant: Kipling Street?
>
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?>
> Contestant: Barcelona.
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
>
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
>
> ROCK FM (PRESTON)
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name
Of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end In 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta ?.
>
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER ... ER ... Three?
>
>
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
> Caller: Japan.
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er .... Mexico?
>
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: > In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
> Contestant: No.
>
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er .. .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
>
>
> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
>
> LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
> Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
> Contestant: Jewish.
> Presenter: That's close enough.
>
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus

[Steve]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[Shotokan101]

[Shotokan101]

http://xkcd.com/394/

[Steve]

This is brilliant. Going to have to try it next time I get double glazing sales calls.

[Steve]

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider and a host of other problems...


I have fixed my computer...


and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

[Shotokan101]

Love - It Want One - I was thinking of going with Watercooling previously but now theres no choice.....

[Steve]

Hadn't thought of that. Have a cpu water cooling kit chill the beer. Would be really impressive it was a fully working PC too.

[dataman]

Now thats a PC thats really worth hacking into.

[Shotokan101]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when
he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's
hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey, little boy, what are you doing?"

The little boys says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my
fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy, that sure is
a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks, mister," says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied
the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy," says the fireman,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to
tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boys says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I
wouldn't have a siren!"