Jokes

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Shotokan101
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Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:21 pm

Nice One :lol:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Steve
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Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Post by Steve » Sun Feb 15, 2009 2:36 pm

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

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Post by Steve » Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:28 pm

Man sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He concludes that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby he trusts, greatly impressing her.

He leans across to her and states the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks of another.
He leans forward again and this time delivers the Air France motto:
Winning the hearts of the world".
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this third time quoting the Malaysian
Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".

The woman straightens herself up, looks at him sternly and demands:
"What the f*** do you want?".

"Ahah!" the man says, sitting back with a knowing smile on his face....
"Ryanair".
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

www.bliss.org.uk
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Shotokan101
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Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Mar 19, 2009 2:17 am

:lol:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Kieran
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Post by Kieran » Sat Apr 18, 2009 11:25 pm

Just read your joke Steve - loving it :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:02 pm

Hey! - I resemble those remarks ! :lol:

Jim
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Re: Jokes - If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today....

Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:06 pm

If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
--------------------------------

Jim
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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thechief
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Re: Jokes

Post by thechief » Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:24 pm

Sad ... :roll:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:28 pm

thechief wrote:Sad ... :roll:
"Grinch" :P
Jim

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Re: Jokes

Post by thechief » Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:55 pm

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O..
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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Re: Jokes

Post by Kieran » Sun Jun 27, 2010 9:56 am

Nice one chief :)
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