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gazzer
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Post by gazzer » Mon Jul 24, 2006 12:58 am

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
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Post by SyBorg » Wed Jul 26, 2006 12:33 pm

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
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Shotokan101
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Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Jul 26, 2006 12:42 pm

LOL :lol:

...at first I thought that it was going to be a comment on Polish Driving though :wink:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Post by SyBorg » Wed Jul 26, 2006 12:51 pm

Shotokan101 wrote: ...at first I thought that it was going to be a comment on Polish Driving though :wink:
That's not funny it's frightening, especially with a hangover. :wacky:
One time on the drive to the office from Warsaw we were overtaking a lorry, with a lorry coming at us from the other direction, when we were undertaken by a Police car :shock: It was especially frightening for the pedestrian walking on the side of the road at that point....
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
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Post by eMuNiX » Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:33 pm

I remember the drive from Warsaw to Bialystok, it takes about 3 hours some very interesting overtaking manouveurs involving long lines of traffic, accelerator planted to the deck in the snow, oncoming traffic etc, luckily the roads are plenty wide enough even if they are in poor condition. A few people in the office refused to go back because of the driving. I only got concerned when we carried out these manouveurs whilst the driver was eyeing up the prostitutes at the side of the road (even in –26°C temperatures they are out in their short skirts) :shock:
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Post by CropRotation » Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:00 pm

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

_______________________________



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
Finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
Seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
Doorbell,





The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel
And runs




Downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
The next door
Neighbor.





Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
Just to




Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for
A moment,




The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of
Bob.





Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands
Over $800 and
Quietly leaves.





Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the
Woman wraps




Back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets
Back to




The bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who
Was that?"





"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.





"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about
The $800
He owes me?"



_______________________________



MORAL OF THE STORY:

_______________________________



Share critical credit infrmation with your
Stakeholders to
Prevent
Avoidable exposure!




************************************************
_______________________________



CORPORATE LESSON # 2

_______________________________



A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
Of the road,




He stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly
Accepted. She




Got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open
And reveal a lovely
Leg.




The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling




The car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
Nun looked at




Him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm
129?"





The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.





He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
Unable to
Remove his eyes from her leg.





Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide
Up her
Leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm
129?"





Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but
The mind is weak."





Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
Meaningful
Glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the
Church, the
Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm
129.





It Said,"Go forth and seek; further up, you will find
Glory."

_______________________________



MORAL OF THE STORY:
_______________________________



Always be well informed in your job; or, you might
Miss great Opportunities!







************************************************
_______________________________



CORPORATE LESSON # 3

_______________________________



There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an
American and a
French, who found this small genie bottle. When they
Rubbed the
Bottle, a genie appears.





Thankful that the 4 guys had
Released him
Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4
Swimming pools,

I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards
The pool and
Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to
Become, then
Your wish will come true."





The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool,
Jumped and
Shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a
Pool of wine.




The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from
The pool.





Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and
Shouted, "VODKA"
And immersed himself into a pool of vodka.





The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so
Contented with his beer pool.





The last is the American. He was running towards the
Pool when
Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards
The pool
And shouted, "SH** !!!!!!!........."



_______________________________



MORAL OF THE STORY:

_______________________________



Mind your language, you never Know what it will land
You in.







************************************************

_______________________________



CORPORATE LESSON # 4

_______________________________



A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when
He found
The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece
Of paper
In his hand.





"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
Important




Document and my secretary has left. Can you make this
Thing
Work?"





"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned
The machine
On, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.





"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
Disappeared inside
The machine."I just need one copy."



_______________________________



MORAL OF THE STORY:

_______________________________



Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
CropRotation
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Post by CropRotation » Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:05 pm

Stupid of the Day
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Post by gazzer » Wed Aug 02, 2006 11:06 am

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his "bare hands"....

Neo: Edited for the sake of decency
Gaz: Re-dited for the sake of laughter
Last edited by gazzer on Tue Aug 15, 2006 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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The things kids say....

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:52 pm

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I
will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "Then you ask him".


2. A Primary teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But
no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing,
the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."


3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."



4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She
looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,!
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."


6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face." "Yes," the class said . "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want. God is watching the apples.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Hard at work.... (not me by the way)

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Aug 09, 2006 12:23 pm

Memory Dump ? :roll:
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Jim

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Stressed out - go to the Orient.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:48 pm

Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Company Policy ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:36 pm

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.
Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one.
The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins ...
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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So Bad It's Great !!!!

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:54 am

:lol:
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Post by Kieran » Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:23 pm

Nice one :lol:
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Post by SyBorg » Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:31 pm

:rofls:
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
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