Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk...
Jokes
If you thought that last one was bad.......
A hungry man goes into a restaurant and orders some soup
After a loooong looooooooong delay, the waitress brings him an indescriptible brown viscous liquid in a bowl.
Furious, he splutters, "What is this thing??".
The waitress goes, "Why, sir, it's bean soup", and the man yells
"I don't care what it's been, tell me what it is now!!"
A hungry man goes into a restaurant and orders some soup
After a loooong looooooooong delay, the waitress brings him an indescriptible brown viscous liquid in a bowl.
Furious, he splutters, "What is this thing??".
The waitress goes, "Why, sir, it's bean soup", and the man yells
"I don't care what it's been, tell me what it is now!!"
We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
—Bill Vaughan
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
A large Australian called Trevor is walking down the middle of the road in the Outback with a large sheep under each arm when he meets his mate Bruce coming up the road towards him.
Bruce sees Trevor with the two sheep and says....
Hi Trev. Mate - are you shearin' ?
....to which Trev. replies.....
Nah Mate - they're both for me..........
Bruce sees Trevor with the two sheep and says....
Hi Trev. Mate - are you shearin' ?
....to which Trev. replies.....
Nah Mate - they're both for me..........
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
CropRotation
- Regular
- Posts: 58
- Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 12:06 pm
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents
For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and
To return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example
First, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One
Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket
On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump
In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the
Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all
Your eggs in one basket.."
" Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty
Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got
Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count
Your chickens before they're hatched .."
" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with
The response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad
Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen
Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got
Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
Machete."
" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to
Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle
Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of
Them with the machine gun until she ran out of
Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
With her bare hands."
" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What did
Your father say was the moral of that frightening
Story?"
" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drunk..."
For a family story with a moral at the end of it, and
To return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example
First, " My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One
Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket
On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump
In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the
Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all
Your eggs in one basket.."
" Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty
Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got
Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count
Your chickens before they're hatched .."
" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with
The response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: " My dad
Told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen
Was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got
Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
She had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
Machete."
" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
" Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to
Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle
Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of
Them with the machine gun until she ran out of
Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
Till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
With her bare hands."
" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What did
Your father say was the moral of that frightening
Story?"
" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been Drunk..."
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Speedy Gift !
Mike was in trouble, he forgot his wedding anniversary !
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Mike got up early and left for work.
When his wife awoke, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Needless to say Mike ended up wearing the scales later.
His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Mike got up early and left for work.
When his wife awoke, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Needless to say Mike ended up wearing the scales later.
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Lawyers - You Just Gotta Love Them ....
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The
volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Interesting Activities.....
Next time your fedup in Sainsburys, Morrisons, Tesco, Somerfield ......
/09/2006 10:26:56
Kmart store 4855
Store Phone: (775) 746-4700
SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503
Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030
12 March 2005
Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.
The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
John F. Walker
Store Manager
/09/2006 10:26:56
Kmart store 4855
Store Phone: (775) 746-4700
SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503
Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030
12 March 2005
Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503
Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies on tape.
We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.
The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows.
September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
John F. Walker
Store Manager
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Penitent Sinner.....
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Could Have Won a Gold !
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
Very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
Diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as
we Went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps
She Was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of
the Pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of The pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even
butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No" she said,
"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."
away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
Very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his
towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple this was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
Diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as
we Went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps
She Was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of
the Pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of The pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even
butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No" she said,
"I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
-
Shotokan101
- RouterTech Team
- Posts: 4779
- Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:17 pm
- Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Better Safe Than Sorry I suppose.....
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or, you
can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."?
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or, you
can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."?
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."
Jim
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....