Jokes

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thechief
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Post by thechief » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:12 pm

WIFE vs HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...' The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
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Shotokan101
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Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:49 pm

:lol:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Steve
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Post by Steve » Sun Jan 11, 2009 3:58 pm

Thought THIS link might help with tracking users location by IP address.

Site is worth a look, some bits better than others but amused me for a while.
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

www.bliss.org.uk
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Shotokan101
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Some HUmour ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:54 am

It's been a bit quite here so.....

Break and Enter

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything." his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."


That Darned Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife`s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that not-nice cat on the phone. I`m lost and need directions!"


Tigers

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don`t do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I`m just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."


No Mexicans Please

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week`s liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda`s, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don`t like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn`t make mistakes."


Army Advice

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you`re on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "When the engine fails on a single-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


Grief

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years and years after its been eaten.

Its called wedding cake.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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thechief
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Post by thechief » Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:45 pm

Funny "lawyer joke" :stern: - except for one minor detail - tigers don't live in Africa. :whistle:
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:00 pm

thechief wrote:Funny "lawyer joke" :stern: - except for one minor detail - tigers don't live in Africa. :whistle:
Thought of you when posting Chief :wink:

...and who said it wasn't a very old joke - as far as I can tell Lawyers or their equivalent have always plagued humanity - perhaps even before "humns" existed ? :wink:

http://www.indiantiger.org/tigers-aroun ... tiger.html

Jim
Jim

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Post by thechief » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:07 pm

Likely story! The climactic changes killed off the tigers, but somehow managed to spare the lions, leopards, cheetahs, etc? on an entire continent?
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:12 pm

thechief wrote:
Likely story! The climactic changes killed off the tigers, but somehow managed to spare the lions, leopards, cheetahs, etc? on an entire continent?
Don't forget Chief - the Tigers had a very poor diet :lol:
Jim

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Post by thechief » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:18 pm

You mean the lawyers got extinct?
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:30 pm

No just that they weren't very nutritional in the first place - probably cost more energy to digest than they supplied which weakened the tigers and eventually the lawyers evolved into predatory land-sharks that killed off the tigers :P

Jim
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Post by thechief » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:33 pm

Hmmm ... I see. Makes sense!
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Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 02, 2009 4:41 pm

thechief wrote:Hmmm ... I see. Makes sense!
...well it's a Theory at least :D

EDIT: ...make that a "Hypothesis" :wink:
Jim

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Post by thechief » Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:56 pm

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife: Nothing?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.
___________________________

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

___________________________
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

___________________________
A newly married man asked his wife: "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
The wife replied sweetly: "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"  

___________________________
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

___________________________
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A billionaire"

___________________________
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.
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Women Drivers Video.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Mon Feb 09, 2009 7:45 pm

Just snagged this YT link from the Seki forum

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZlhpfCdyS4

Pick your favourite clip :)

Jim
Jim

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Post by thechief » Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:29 pm

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la Computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won!
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