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Shotokan101
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Metaphors For Dummies.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:40 pm

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....


1. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

2. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

3. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

4. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

5. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

6. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

7. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

8. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

9. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

10. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Kids Talk.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:42 pm

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.--
Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.----
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that. -- Kurt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin,
age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.--
Ricky, age 10
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Shotokan101
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Psycopath Test.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:45 pm

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right.

While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.


































Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Scottish and Proud of it !

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:48 pm

Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Scotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

SCOTLAND - Love it, or Leave it!
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Clever Dog ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:12 pm

A man walks in to a bar and is astonished to see three men and a dog playing poker at a corner table.

He watched in awe,then remarked, "That is the most amazing dog I have ever seen!"

"Nah, he's actually useless," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he can't stop wagging his tail"
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Government Health Warnings Update.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:14 pm

I see the government has announced they're gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form...

The fags are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs, and the beer's gonna have pictures of fat birds.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Post by SyBorg » Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:27 pm

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.
—Bill Vaughan
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Now Then - Now Then.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:41 pm

I'm not very good at magic, I can only do half of a trick...

...I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Olympic Singing.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:19 pm

Did you see that Chinese singer at the Olympics opening ceremony?

I think her name was My Ming. :lol:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Exam Results....

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:19 pm

Teenagers will be collecting their A-level results today, with pass rates in Maths expected to top 97%.

The other 8% Failed.. :twisted:
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Aug 19, 2008 4:20 pm

Michaelangelo's David was returned to Italy today after an extended loan to a prestigious New York Art Gallery..... And the Italians were NOT Happy.....
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Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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A Scottish Love Poem....

Post by Shotokan101 » Wed Aug 20, 2008 12:41 pm

A Scottish Love Poem

(Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic?)


A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a not-nice tap notch burd.

An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.

So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.

It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.

So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.

So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.

Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.

They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.

Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.

Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.

Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.

Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.

Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.

Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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2008 Darwin Awards - Results Are In :)

Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:29 am

THE DARWIN AWARDS 2008

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
Bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
Flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
Door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they disco vered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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What You Too ?

Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:15 pm

One Day Pete Townshend dies and he finds himself in rock-n-roll heaven. St. Peter was showing him around, introducing him to all the departed rock stars.

Visiting a fantastic music studio, he saw Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Mama Cass, etc., etc.
Suddenly, with a flourish, Bono walked into the studio and joined in the jam.

Zevon gasped to St. Peter: 'I didn't know Bono died!'
'Oh no,' replied Peter 'That's God - he just THINKS he's Bono.'
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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A Fitting Tribute.....

Post by Shotokan101 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:06 pm

The spot where Marc Bolan died has, over the years, grown into a shrine to his memory with fans from all over the world leaving flowers and momentos.

A recent meeting of the local council decided it would be appropriate to place a permanent memorial at the site.

After due consideration it was decided to erect a simple sign. On one side it reads "This sign commemorates the spot where Marc Bolan met his tragic death".

The other side says WARNING - TREE.
Jim

.....I'm Sorry But I Can't Do That Dave.....
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