Jokes

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Neo
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Jokes

Post by Neo » Thu Apr 27, 2006 4:28 pm

I think it's time we had a jokes thread, but please keep them clean and inoffensive (no racist remarks etc.)

Here's one that's doing the rounds:
---

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too ******* stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
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Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 7:39 pm

LOL (but I was that user) :atpc:
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Post by thechief » Thu Apr 27, 2006 10:03 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
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Post by Steve » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:12 pm

He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
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Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:28 pm

Respect chiefie - what next - An Excellent Programming Lawyer with good Tech Support skills AND a sense of Humour (who GIVES stuff away ) :shock:
Last edited by Shotokan101 on Fri Apr 28, 2006 9:29 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by neilius » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:29 pm

How many ISP admins does it take to change a lightbulb?

5: 1 to change the lightbulb, another to post preset, scripted etc. technical support answers to him and the rest to make sure that everyone who didn't want the lightbulb to be changed is banned from entering the room... 8)

[Edit by eMuNix: post modified to remove name of provider]
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Post by Kieran » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:31 pm

Nice one neilius 8)
Shotokan101 wrote:Respect chiefie - what next -
A moderator who doesn't go OT? ;) lol jk :lol:
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Post by Steve » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:32 pm

...plus one more to INSIST the lightbulb is perfect and doesn't need to be upgraded, and another to write the fix list.
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
- Terry Pratchett

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Post by neilius » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:36 pm

...plus one more to INSIST the lightbulb is perfect and doesn't need to be upgraded, and another to write the fix list.
BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA excellent! We need one more to make the lightbulb from GPL'd components and not distribute its source code with it...
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Post by Shotokan101 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:42 pm

neilius wrote:How many ISP admin does it take to change a lightbulb?

5: 1 to change the lightbulb, another to post preset, scripted etc. technical support answers to him and the rest to make sure that everyone who didn't want the lightbulb to be changed is banned from entering the room... 8)
:rofl:

One to press reset and 10 to count the seconds plus another one to say that their router is working after the reset so it must be O.K.
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Post by biro » Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:55 pm

JAFO wrote:...plus one more to INSIST the lightbulb is perfect and doesn't need to be upgraded, and another to write the fix list.
the company wrote: We currently have one job vacancy to fulfill the role of "fix list writer"
:twisted:
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Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Apr 28, 2006 12:15 am

Don't forget you also need one to eat the fix list so that they can't produce a list of fixes for the release notes....... :wink:
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Post by Shotokan101 » Fri Apr 28, 2006 12:16 am

neilius wrote:
...plus one more to INSIST the lightbulb is perfect and doesn't need to be upgraded, and another to write the fix list.
BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA excellent! We need one more to make the lightbulb from GPL'd components and not distribute its source code with it...
Not forgetting the "packager" who puts the standard lightbulb into a box labelled "Fluorescent Model" just to surprise the user....... :lol:
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Post by Steve » Fri Apr 28, 2006 1:19 am

Your light bulb isn't working you say. Please post your line stats and upgrade to our latest illegal firmware.
He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.
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Post by neilius » Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:50 am

....still not working? Please follow the instructions on this generically impersonally crafted web page to enable turbo mode on your lightbulb so we don't have to spend any more time trying to personally assist you.
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