Jokes

Post by **eMuNiX** » Fri May 26, 2006 11:12 am

Shotokan101 wrote:20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Now that is really funny

khan · Post by **khan** » Fri May 26, 2006 11:26 am

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Mayor what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Mayor, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Mayor thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Mayor!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Mayor said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Edited by Neo - Removed reference to a particular relgion/race

Post by **Shotokan101** » Fri May 26, 2006 12:16 pm

eMuNiX wrote:
Shotokan101 wrote:20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Now that is really funny

Indeed

....but (one of) my favourite(s) is :-

Code: Select all

24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

Post by **Shotokan101** » Sat May 27, 2006 2:15 pm

Girlfriend 6.0 vs. Wife 1.0

Question: what program are you running at the moment?:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.

a "Don't remind me again" button
a Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Bug Warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Bug work-arounds: To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

Tech Support Suggestions
These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Post by **Kieran** » Sat May 27, 2006 2:25 pm

Oh how true is that lot

Post by **Shotokan101** » Sat May 27, 2006 2:40 pm

Kieran wrote:Oh how true is that lot

Indeed - enough to make a Grown (Married) Man Cry ......

Post by **Shotokan101** » Tue May 30, 2006 12:24 pm

All Black fined for handbag brawl
All Blacks flanker Chris Masoe was fined NZ$3,000 (£1,000) after being found guilty of hitting a man during a scuffle in a Christchurch bar.
The New Zealand Rugby Union fined Masoe after the incident which also involved ex-All Blacks captain Tana Umaga.

Masoe reportedly punched a man in the jaw after tripping over his legs at about 7am on Sunday in Christchurch.

Umaga then grabbed a woman's handbag and hit Masoe twice across the head, at which Masoe allegedly burst into tears.

The two players were out in the city after their Wellington Hurricanes' side lost Saturday's Super 14 final to the Canterbury Crusaders.

The NZRU said it accepted Umaga's word that he was trying to defuse the situation, and found he had no case to answer.

Masoe, who was named in the All Blacks side to face Argentina on 24 June, admitted his role in the incident and apologised on Tuesday.

"I accept that it was totally inappropriate to behave the way I did and regret that it happened," Masoe said in the NZRU statement.

Umaga has replaced a mobile phone which was inside the handbag and broken in the scuffle.

"This was a regrettable incident that everyone would now like to put behind them," Umaga said.

Story from BBC SPORT:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/sport1 ... 029202.stm

Published: 2006/05/30 09:28:27 GMT

© BBC MMVI

Post by **Steve** » Tue May 30, 2006 12:28 pm

Glad it wasn't my jaw he hit...has the guy woken up yet? or is he still in orbit?

Post by **Shotokan101** » Tue May 30, 2006 12:30 pm

Steve wrote:Glad it wasn't my jaw he hit...has the guy woken up yet? or is he still in orbit?

Just wait till your wife see's yesterdays posts and you'll know what he feels like .........

Post by **Kieran** » Tue May 30, 2006 12:31 pm

Shotokan101 wrote:Just wait till your wife see's yesterdays posts and you'll know what he feels like .........

*quickly disables edit and delete functions for this forum*

Post by **Shotokan101** » Tue May 30, 2006 12:34 pm

Post by **thechief** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:56 pm

Q: Sir, please explain the meaning of "birds of the same feather flock together".

A. Simple! The ornithological specimens of identical plumage invariably congregate in the closest proximity.

Grotius · Post by **Grotius** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 5:13 pm

Edit: joke removed by Grotius, in light of recent world events.

Jokes

:)

Re: Questions - Questions.....

Re: Questions - Questions.....

Sad but True..... :(

Bang goes the Macho Image.....